Let’s Pretend
Let’s pretend like everything is OK; Smile at strangers and laugh out loud at lame jokes.
Let’s pretend there’s no problem; ignore the pain and let it cut deeper into unreachable boundaries.
Feels good to mute my feelings while it forms a hole in my heart.
Be the life of the party, only to go back home and wet my pillow.
Can I at least pretend I’m too strong to care, while depression penetrates my heart like deforestation in the desert.
It’s also OK not to ever mention that I comfort myself with suicidal thoughts. Keep keeping on till I can’t bear this depressed state anymore. Then I can end this pain by mixing a few drugs in my tea and end my misery.
Because my imagination appears more real than reality, I isolate myself from this cruel world and soak my head in my own world, where I can imagine how I want my life to be….at least before reality sets in and drift me back to depression.
Can I keep being there for other people, even though no one ever cares about my own issues?
Should I tell anyone how I feel? Maybe they’ll laugh at me. Maybe they’ll say I’m mad.
Maybe they won’t lend a listening ear.
Maybe they won’t understand.
Just yesterday I didn’t give a fuck, now I look for protection whenever I lock myself in these dangerous thoughts.
I have procrastinated my suicide a lot. That’s probably the only good thing I do that I hate. But I guess they’re right…I’m too strong to have such thoughts, so I’ll keep comforting myself in the shadow of my tears, and maybe someday everything will be fine. But till then….let’s keep pretending everything is OK….fake it till you make it.
